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Quick Birthday Thoughts

I am 25 today. The same age my mother was when I was born. Despite the fact that I have an almost two year old myself it's a little trippy. Thinking about where she was right now (at Georgia Baptist in labor to be exact) but more so where she was in her life. I'm not sure how much more different our lives could be.

I'm at this huge crossroads in my life right now. NOTHING that was in my life last year (with the exception of my son) is the same as it was. Relationships have not just changed in the last year they have changed dramatically I'm not at the same job (and to be honest I'm looking at changing fields all together more about that maybe tomorrow). I'm not at the same apartment (Oh yeah I moved last weekend) 24 was a really rough fucking year, and I really went into it thinking that I was due for some down time. I was apparently very very wrong.

But I have never felt more ready in my life. For what i'm not really sure, but I feel completely stripped down. With almost nothing to tie me to the place that I am I feel completely open to whatever comes my way in the next year. No matter where it takes me or how it manifests I know that for the first time I am honestly open to the changes that are going to happen.

That's all for now. Have to run to lyra. Tomorrow I will really update and ruminate more on this topic. Plus post some updated lyra shots.
was there no post secret today or did I just miss it somehow? 
Maybe I'm crazy but this story made me really sad for these childrenand a little angry at the parents.

As a parent how could you possibly let your child stop celebrating their birthday so they could focus instead on death? That just doesn't make sense to me. no one is saying the attacks on 9-11 weren't terrible, but for a child to stop celebrating his/her birthday because of it???? that just doesn't seem to be the right answer at all.

ugh. i hate that fear and partriotism are so terribly confused in this country.

Wish List

Every year around this time I post a wish list. So in keeping with tradition I'm doing it again. Here's a list of things I  would really l like if anyone was so inclined: 

1. Someone to pay for Lyra lessons for me. One lesson or a month or whatever. I really do not want to stop but things have changed and as it stands it looks like I've had my last lesson. 

2.  2 gallons of Glidden green apple pain in eggshell and the equipment to paint my living room.

3. The Mighty Boosh on DVD (I've seen season 1 at target but Netflix has Season 2 so it must be out somewhere, i don't know if Season 3 is out in the US yet).

4.  Either gift cards to target or a shopping trip. None of my clothes fit anymore.

5. Art supplies.

6. A Tarot card reading.

7. A trip to Boston/Philidelphia. I'd have a couch to crash on if I could get to Boston, and  my car can get me there. I"d just need funds to do it.

8. Anything from this awesome website.

9. To learn to shoot a gun. I've been talking about it for two years now and I would really like for it to happen.

10. An afternoon out with you doing our favorite things to do with each other.

Rainy Days and Mondays

never mind all of what I just typed. not something to say to the world.

i can say that i wish i would have updated before now. i would have been able to write all about my new job that i loved and this really sweet guy that  was seeing who seemed to really like me. For the first time in a year I was finally feeling like life was making progress. But life was so much more interesting than the internet all of a sudden so I was off living that rather than typing about it.

Then a week ago I got laid off from the new job that I loved. And 24hrs later I finally stopped trying to convince myself that I had feeilngs for this really sweet guy that I was seeing. That despite him being so nice and so cool and so very into me I was still stuck in the same drama I've been stuck in for years and he just not going to be the guy to make me forget that.

He met my friend Sally a few weeks back. While we were all out together Sally and I were each in the midst of having an argument with another person (through texting so I was having my argument and she was having hers. both were with the same guy but they were seperate arguments that were unfortunately overlapping one another). I felt bad for talking poorly about this friend I was having an argument with so I said to him "don't get me wrong ******'s an asshole, but I love him with my whole heart and soul." 

My date replied "your whole heart and soul huh? does that leave room for anyone else?"

It was said jokingly and was quickly passed off as just another tidbit of conversation. But as you can tell by the fact that i'm mentioning it here it stuck with me.

The truth is that I don't know the answer to that. This time around the answer was no,but I cannot stop believing that someday the answer is going to be yes. As much as my heart has been overrun by men who have come into my life, taken the good stuff, and run, I desperately want to believe that someday someone is going to come along and meeting them will make my heart grow so big that there is plenty of room for the new. I want to believe that someday someone will come along who fills my life so much that I forget about the ruined birthdays and hikes up mountains and deceptive valentine's days and bailed on rainchecks. That when that pereson comes along it will all make sense because it will have all led me to them.

And I know I should  be using my time to work on me and learn to be alone so that I won't be needy. I know the speech about once you love yourself and focus on your own life the love of your life will find you.

Truth is I think that' s bullshit. I think that is something that lonely women tell themselves so they can feel better while they eat their ice cream and watch their reality shows at home alone on a saturday night. I look around me and the couples that I see are not that at all. Everyone I know who is in a relationship right now was a serious work in progress when they met their significant other. Alot of them were even at their messiest points. I think that we're ALWAYS works in progress. Telling a girl to focus on her own life and let the universe take care of the rest is just a bandaid on an already infected wound. It doesn't help anything.

I'm tired of psychoanalysis. I'm tired of trying to make the right and healthy choices. Because that's just bullshit too. Trying to make the healthy choice is really just trying to make the choice that OTHER people will approve of. It's more lies. And it's unattainable. At least it is in any honest and true way. No one can make everyone happy. Every choice we make makes SOMEONE else unhappy. That's just the way of the world. And when we make choices based on what someone ELSE, some OTHER deems healthy and good then it's just lies and manipulation. The second you stop to think about how other people will react is the second you stop being real. Have we learned nothing from reality tv? 

So I accept the Lena who does stupid things. I accept the Lena who moons over the wrong people. Who is impulsive and moody and scattered and ridiculously naive. intentionally naive.

I like her. I like that she believes in the good in everyone. I like that she feels things intensely. that she feels everything intensely. I like that she has no idea what she's doing most of the time. I like that she can feel like the world is ending one minute and the next a smell or sight or feeling will hit her and take her back to someplace that makes it all okay again. I like that she desperately needs other people. I like that she wants to be loved as much as she is capable of loving someone else. I like that she's awkward and insecure.

I like all of those things because they all have another side to them that are deeply positive. I like that she is all of those things because they make her who she is.

they make same who I am.
I have spent years apologizing for myself. Letting everyone around me think that there was something wrong with me.

But there isn't. I am complex. I am ridiculous. I am mercurial.

And I love that.

Photo Update

Remember my blurry phone photo of me doing a sit up on the Lyra about a month ago? 

Well this one was two weeks ago: 

It's a big step up from just doing sit ups while hanging by my knees. I'd fallen off the hoop already and I cannot tell you how much this hurt to do, but I did it. I didn't fall and I got my legs back on the hoop to dismount smoothly.

This may be my favorite picture of me ever.

Flash forward to tonight. No lessons since the one you see above and in a new space.

Think back to that pic of me hanging by my knees. From there you swing your body up and grab onto the hoop then use both your hands and your legs to pull your body up the rest of the way and sit down in the hoop. Looks easy, sounds easy, but in two months I'd never been able to get myself up. I was ecstatic. My lovely teacher and classmates (who are all dear and lovely friends) cried and cheered.

And we learned a new trick tonight since I could now sit in the hoop. I got this one on the first try and it felt amazing and so very pretty.

These lessons have been such an amazing journey for me. Tonight i felt like I'd broken through a wall and had made leaps and bounds in the span of an hour. I would not have had the courage to do this without Trina and Kat there cheering me on and inspiring me with their own amazing abilities. The both of them have never looked more beautiful than when they get on that hoop.

But most importantly I could not have done this if it wasn't for my incredible friend Nancy. She's the one that believed I could do this even when I did not. She has been more than a teacher through this She has been a cheerleader and a guide. She gets almost more excited than I do when I learn a new trick or break through something I had struggled with. If only everyone who stepped into the role of teacher could have that much passion. Seeing how much my achievements affect her fills me with my own sense of pride beyond what I feel for just doing this new thing. It is inspiring to know that I am doing this in a special environment. To be able to come together as a group of women who can be as invested in each other's success as we are with our own in a rare and beautiful thing. It's something special that has made me feel like I'm not just learning to fly. I'm learning to soar.

Late last night I deleted a handful of folks off of my friends list. May delete a few more in the next few days.

No I don't hate you. I wish you all, all the best. But for awhile now i've been skimming over posts on my friends list of LJ's I just wasn't reading anymore. It's about cleaning up my list to the journals that I am actually reading.

Considering how little I update my own LJ and how few folks read the posts I promise it's not like you're missing out on anything.

And the internet may SEEM like high school but it's not. Absolutely no one cares how many LJ friends you have.
I really want to paint but I hav no supplies.

I really want to to sit and have coffee and talk for hours with you.

I really want to work on this scene, but I need someone else to play a part

I really want to work on this project for 2xcreative but I need my camera to be functioning.

I really want to hang up it's not the day for a lesson.

I really want watch a movie but what I really want is to watch a movie with you.

I really want a cigarette, which I do have. But it's only a poor substitution for all of the things I really want that I can't have.

I'm smoking cause it was easier than missing you.
I love to tell this story about when I was in high school and climbed up stone mountain as part of a fundraiser. How I didn't think I could do it and my friend walked up with me subtly encouraging me and when we got to the top he told me "I knew you could do it."

Well this a few months back I was walking with that same friend and telling him about lessons I was planning on taking from another friend. She teaches Lyra which is similar to trapeze except that instead of a bar it's a hoop and instead of being about swinging it's more about striking poses. When I said this he got kind of quiet and said "Well that takes a lot of upper body strength..." He didn't say it but I knew what he meant. He didn't think I could do it.

I am not an atheltic person. I am not someone who is "in shape" (in fact I'm pretty over weight). I don't work out. I've never worked out. But today at my third lesson (two last month then a gap of 2wks before today's lesson) I did this: 

I got up on that hoop by holding onto it, folding my legs up and threading them through till I could hang lik I am in that picture. And then I did situps (which is what you see me doing there). I did it three times and everytime it got a little smoother; a little easier.

I think the best part of it is that at the first lesson when I was struggling to get anything I told her the story I mentioned about. The teacher (who is the other woman in that picture) told me to not think about that. To not do this to prove to anyone, even myself, that I could do it but rather to do it just to do it. As much as I said I was doing that I don't think I had truly done that until today. I walked into class and was just ready to jump back on that hoop and start doing it. All the negative voices in my head got out of the way and most importantly I got out of my way and that's when I got on that hoop. When I came down from the last time she lookd at me and said "Fuck him. Tell you you can't do something? Well fuck him".

And it felt awesome.

When I have told folks that I am doing this even my most loving and close friends have gotten this slight look on their face and looked me up and down. They may not say it but they too don't think I can do this. They have these images of lithe exotic women doing this under coloured tents and I don't fit that image in their head.

But I am doing it. I have gone leaps and bounds in the three lessons I have had. Don't get me wrong. My hands HURT. My legs HURT. Tomorrow I will pay for every victorious moment I had today. I'll pay all week in fact. But I'm getting better. I am doing things my body has never had any clue it could do and I do not think I have ever felt so sexy and beautiful in my entire life.

I've been quiet on here alot lately. It's been a time of cleansing in my life. I've been making spiritual and emotional breaks with people that I have inwardly felt tied to for a very long time. But as I have progressed these last few months  I have realized that in order to see my own specialness I need to be surrounded by people who also see that when they look at me. Sadly that's meant that many folks who have meant the world to me for a long time just don't see it.

When I look at them they almost glow because I have always been lucky enough to be surrounded by folks who are incredible. Talented. Intelligent. Just shinning lights. But too often those same people haven't seen it when they looked at me. I think maybe years ago they did. But I've been a little lost, and instead of hanging on they lost it too. Now they don't see the spark inside of me and  as I grieve for that I also have to realize that it can't matter. What matters is that I've seen that spark. And for the first time in a long time I'm finding ways to let that spark out.

So to everyone that looked at me and didn't think I could do "it".....keep it  up. Not too long from now you're all going to look like fools and regret your blindness.


Just in case you're interested in what I've been up to lately. Here it is: